Be Honest...With Your Friend

One of the things I remember quite clearly when we did our marriage counseling was to be honest when a person asked a question. If you don't expect an honest answer you should ask the question was the message given to the "question asker."

Too often when we are in a situation of advice, we often tend to sugar coat the answer. I see this frequently when a person confides in a cohort about personal problems that involve another party. For example, when someone is the victim of a relationship issue (be it friends, occupational, or marriage/dating, the person who is hearing the information generally takes the side of their friend. In return, they are not only hearing the negative of the other person/party, but they will likely defend their friend.

Keeping these concepts in mind, here is this week's quote...

In giving advice, seek to help, not to please, your friend. ~ Solon

Keep in mind that not every situation is the same. Sometimes a person needs the shoulder to cry on, but there are still other times when the person needs to hear the truth. They need to know that though they were wronged, the other party may have been wronged as well. Whether it was today, yesterday, or sometime in the recent past.

When we are trying to listen to a friend, make sure you are able to see both sides of a situation. Telling your friend they were completely right is not going to help them out in the end. They are going to feel more "right" and fight for that right to be right.

This may also span into communicating to your children. They are not likely the best singers, dancers, artists, or athletes. There are ways to communicate and applaud their efforts without going overboard and making them feel like they should be the next "star" in the field they are aspiring to be involved in. I have found ways to practice this with my kids. This way they do not have a false hope when it comes to their aspirations.

Now it's your turn...how have you handled the idea of honesty when it came to giving advice to a friend/spouse/child, etc.?

In the Ring: HeaRING, OffeRING,RemembeRING and AppeaRING

Marriage has a lot of perks to it. If you are getting ready to enter into marriage, look forward to it! If you have been married for any length of time over a month, you know there are some parts of it that you didn't realize were going to be there. There are several areas in a marriage that takes effort. Sometimes we do not realize the effort it will take until it is too late.

If you have been married and are no longer married, you may look back and realize there were things you should have and could have done differently. You may have enjoyed a few areas, but not the entire portion. Maybe there were some areas on the side of the other spouse in which contributed to the separation. As all marriages are different, everyone's story for separation has differences.

Sunday, we looked at some instructional words regarding being "in the 'ring'" and how we can apply them in our relationships. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

• HeaRING ~ How well are you hearing your spouse/significant other? Have you had those times when they went silent or walked out of the room? What happened prior to that to cause them to do such a thing? Pick up on these things, not all of them will be verbal for you to audibly hear! Hear what your spouse/significant other is trying to tell you...it may be in the silence that they are speaking the loudest
• OffeRING ~ Each person brings a certain flair to the relationship. Something within you is so attractive to the other person that they couldn't help but to fall in love with you! Also, you see it in your spouse/significant other about them that you fell in love with them. Be sacrificial in your love/respect to the other person; offer up yourself to be there for the other person.
• RemembeRING ~ Don't forget! Appointments, special days, "favorites," etc. are all important. Though some of the things may not be as important to you as other things, they are important to your spouse. Keep that in mind!
• AppeaRING ~ Be around for your family. The family is healthiest when spouses are involved. Be there for your spouse/significant other and for your kids. Do not become too busy that your private life becomes a source of contention.

When you say "I do" and are now "in the 'ring'" it is very important that you stay in there till the end. Fighting may occur but that is not a reason to stop your marriage. If it occurs quite frequently, then it is time to examine and maybe look for outside professional assistance. Keep on fighting!

Now it's your turn...How's your week been "in the ring"?

In the Ring: MinsteRING, CoveRING, BeaRING, SuffeRING

I remember that there was a time in which I was naive to think that since my girlfriend and I were getting along so well, a continual long relationship (aka marriage) was going to be easy. We could talk, share, and spend time with each other and things were great. This wasn't even the first few months, several months later it was like that. However, was I wrong.

After falling off of "Cloud 9" reality set in. My love for her had not changed, but the reality that things were not "easy," at least as much as I determined, was a wake up call.

I knew we were "different" people - being male and female. However, I thought things would be as easy as they started out being. We weren't young when we started dating (in college), so I was not talking from a fourteen or eighteen year old perspective.

Understanding all this, once I became "in the 'ring'" I found out that being married was work on my part. I know there were responsibilities outside of doing dishes, paying bills, and other general responsibilities. But outside of that I realized I had a lot to do to be a "good husband" on a deeper basis.

This brings us to what we discussed Sunday as we continued with our "In the 'Ring'" sermon series. Here are some applications to choose from to use...

• MinisteRING ~ Both the husband and the wife have needs. I will HIGHLY suggest the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. I have read "The 5 Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and this book is better than all of those. So if you've read those, please read the book I suggested. I enjoyed it as a male and it made so much sense to me regarding my wife's needs and how she operated.
• CoveRING ~ Take time to pray for your partner. We're all vulnerable. Women are vulnerable to not feeling beautiful enough and fears. Men are vulnerable to immodest dressing and being valued. These are just a couple of examples. Ask your partner what they are vulnerable to and then pray for those areas - and pray often.
• BeaRING ~ Being able to understand no one is perfect is important. Most of us know this on one side of the argument, but some of us tend to jump to conclusions about their partner on occasion. These types of occasions might be when someone says something and we mistake their tone for being what it was not intended to come across.
• SuffeRING ~ The closer we get, the more likely we are going to bother one another. In the marriage relationship, when we love and trust one another, it doesn't take much for someone to feel unloved or disrespected. These types of mistakes do not mean to quit the relationship. There are very few reasons to do so. Suffer through and communicate in order to help grow the relationship.

As Valentines 2012 is tomorrow, may you be able to express your love for one another in an awesome way! Have a great day of "love!"

Now it's your turn...what has been a great benefit to your marriage? A book, seminar, another individual or couple, etc.????

Divorce: Not Just Because

The other night I was visiting with friend and it came up what I was preaching on the next day.  I said, “I’m preaching on divorce tomorrow”.  My whole intent was to see the reaction, which I received one!  “Zoinks” was the response.  I just laughed and responded that I was preaching through Matthew and this was just part of the journey.

It seems that oftentimes the subject of divorce comes with so much stigma.  Whether it is in the religious circle or society itself.  Granted, it isn’t something that people should be bragging about.  But it has such a bad stigma that judgment usually follows the news of someone who did get or is getting a divorce.

Sunday, we looked at Matthew 5:31-32 as Jesus was addressing the disciples on the subject of divorce.  Jesus builds his argument by referring to a black and white thought which had come from Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (click to read).  In this text Moses visits the topic of writing a certificate of divorce and the woman who is impacted. Jesus then turns to a thought without the smooth edges to talk about how the Jewish mindset had abused Deuteronomy 24.

The Jews (who had two main schools of thought on this – Shammai, Hillel) had given just about any reason as an OK reason to write a certificate of divorce. Partly because of the hard hearts of the people at that time. Now, in Jesus’ day, they were still used to that way of thinking. Jesus was wanting them to understand that “any reason” was not a good reason.  The “good” reason for getting a divorce was “unfaithfulness”.  This didn’t address “unfaithfulness” as the only reason that was accepted, but Jesus wanted them to stop abusing women/wives by abusing the option of divorce. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week…

1. Permanency of Marriage ~ Marriage is a unique relationship. It starts out by an incredible, heightened interest that is predominantly about attraction. Marriage is about openness, honesty, and trust. Once that relationship matures to the point of sharing your lives, then the test comes. It would be wrong to say that the “attraction” wears off or the smoke clears, but something happens to cause us to finally see the person for who they are.  Sometimes we may not like that person very much.  That is partly what makes marriage unique.  If you are viewing your marriage as “not permanent”, refocus that line of thought to consider how you can return back to the way of thinking you used to have when you did view it as permanent.
2. Who Did You Marry? ~ The person you married is going to be named various names, but that isn’t what the question is about. I am addressing that those who are Christians have a marriage-type relationship with Him.  In Ephesians 5, Paul addresses how Jesus is “married” to His church (the bride).  Jesus has done a lot for us, as a “husband”.  He is not going to divorce us and we should not divorce Him!
3. Stay Married ~ During marriage we go through our fair share of ups and downs.  The downs may seem like it is impossible to keep going.  However, I encourage you to do just that.  KEEP GOING!!!
***A super, awesome, amazing marriage book is called Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs

Marriage should never be broken up “just because”.  It is a relationship that is expected to keep going and going and going, until “death do you part”.  Jesus is trying to get them/us to understand that marriage should not be broken up “just because”.

Whether you are “married” in your relationship with Him and/or you are married to a spouse…stay that way!

As this is a “hot” topic, feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me at ichthus_man (at) hotmail.com

"I Don't...Hear You" - Proverbs 12:18

She says, "How do I look?"

He says, "Fine!"

How did that conversation go after that point?  It depends on how you read it and most of it has to do with the way you read the man's answer.  Did you read it envisioning him saying it through a newspaper, not even giving much more than a glance?  Did you read it envisioning him saying it in the middle of a TV show/sports game and wanting her to move out of the way so he can see the next play?  Did you read it envisioning him looking her up and down and giving her the "J.J.", from "Good Times, type of emphasis that may be stretched out a bit like "FINNNE"?

What was it she was wanting to know?  Was she wanting to know if her tags were tucked in or if her clothes matched?  No, she wanted to know if the guy that had her heart thought she was "rockin' his world" by what she looked like, no matter how simple or complex the outfit may have been. 

He says about a recently completed project, "What do you think?"

She says, "It's fine!"

I didn't want to use too generalized of a scenario like mowing the lawn because not every guy mows his own lawn.  However, most all guys will complete some type of project, either around the house or at work, that he is proud of and will want to show it to his girl.

So, how did you read it?  Was he showing her the project in the middle of her trying to complete other tasks and she didn't take the time to really look at it, so she was just wanting him to quit showing it to her?  Or was she really interested in something her guy had done and thought it looked really good?

How things are said, both tone and body language, determines to a great degree how they are received.  Yesterday, we concluded our "I Don't" Series by looking at how people can say something and the receiver may interpret it different than intended.  Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

1. Realize Your Partner Desires Your Attention ~ During the dating time we show a lot of attention to the other person, even in areas we are not interested in.  This just confuses, and possibly deceives, the other person if, after the marriage ceremony, we no longer have that interest.  Let your communication be consistent.  If you've lost that connection, realize you would do well to get it back by showing interest in the areas you used to share in.
2. Realize Opposite Genders Hear Differently ~ Something exactly the same may be said to two people of the opposite gender and it will mean a world of something different.  A guy may come out to show how he looks in an outfit and the wife may get away with saying a simple "Fine" response.  However, said the same way to her and it may not be received well. 
3. Realize Words Can Be Like Daggers ~ This doesn't even have to include "put downs" nor does it have to just include disagreements.  If you say, "That's the worst ___ ever!" and the response is "No, it isn't", you will either be comforted or left fuming.  It all depends on the response.  Reading it, it is just words, saying it is different.  But words can be daggers that don't have to be a "response", just what we say determines how someone feels after our sentence is completed.  Be conscious of how you come across.  A man's voice to a female can be comforting or "barking".  A woman's voice to a man can be sweet or annoying.

What we hear may not be our fault, as we're made differently.  Learning to hear differently for the sake of understanding someone is a pursuit worth taking.  Possibly half of misunderstandings, specifically, between opposite genders will be a result of the fact that we speak, hear, and see differently.  "Not wrong, just different" (Emerson Eggerichs). 

Think about some of these things as you have your future conversations with people.

  

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"I Don't"...Want Anyone Else - Ecclesiastes 9:9

Are you one who sees greener grass in other areas?  Do you look at your own circumstances, then compare your life to someone else's and think something like "They have it better?"  It could be about a job, a car they drive, their income, their life (in general), or even their love life (whether married or single)?  Specifically talking about the last option, do you ever think what it would be like to be married or in a relationship with someone else? Do you ever long to have your life be something it is not probably ever going to be? 

As we started a new relationship series yesterday called "I Don't" we are looking at different phrases to add to that which will help us to enhance the relationship we are in.  Specifically, we talked about the phrase "I Don't Want Anyone Else".  This is a renewal and a refocus type of series, attempting to get our minds back on the right track concerning relationships (both personal and spiritual).

Why is it that "green grass" is attractive?  It often is just a mirage to our senses because the "grass" we are able to be around at the moment is just what we need.  Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

1. Make a list of ten things/areas that you like about your spouse/significant other (if you are not in a relationship, make a list of someone in the church you don't know so well).  What talents they have, why you like them, etc.
2. Re-read your vows that you said to each other, in which you probably responded "I do"
3. Read some of the "one another" passages to refresh yourself as to how you should look at those of which you share your faith.  Here are some examples: John 13:34-35, Romans 12:10, Romans 15:7, Galatians 5:13, Ephesians 4:2, Ephesians 4:32, Hebrews 3:13, 1 Peter 5:5
4. Pray - If you're having a difficult time not seeing your pasture as "green" then you should be taking it to Him in prayer and asking Him to keep your thoughts and/or eyes on the pasture your in.  It doesn't matter if you are just looking for another job or another partner, or anywhere in between.  Appreciate what you have!
5. Accountability - Similar to the above, you need to find someone who will encourage you to keep your thoughts/emotions/eyes on the pasture your at right now.  Not being transparent when you are dealing with difficulties just makes it that much more difficult to overcome.
6. Stay Away From the Fence - If you are having difficulties looking at something to think it is "better", then maybe you need to stay away from the fence that marks off the "greener pasture" and turn around to look at yours.  Leaning on the fencepost and looking out at the "pasture" may cause you to do something you regret - jumping over the fence.

It is frightening how many people "jump over the fence" to dabble in that which is on the other side, literally or figuratively.  It seems that once-a-month I hear of something that has happened in a marriage in the town I live in.  People have forgotten that they would be loyal to their partner.  However, the same kind of thing can happen among church brethren that involves unhappiness with your fellow church members so you look for somewhere else to "go".  These situations all boil down to the "ME" syndrome.  You aren't getting what you want so you start looking somewhere else.  Instead of the "we" approach where you look out for what is best for the both or all of you and how things can be improved.

May we make commitments and stick to them and to remind ourselves that "I Don't Want Anyone Else!"




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Courting Your Visitors/Customers

Ever thought of treating the visitors/customers that come your way like you were courting them? Probably not.

I am not describing that one should hold their hands and whisper "sweet nothings" in their ear, but there are other concepts to think about. The main point is that you "do all of the steps necessary to grow the relationship". Right???

You will put in the time, make the phone calls, send flowers, cards, or e-mails. You do one or several of these things because you are truly interested in that person. You want them to be interested in you. You hope to see them again. You want to make a good impression on them.

That is the way we should be thinking about your visitors/customers or even those that show an interest that haven't yet entered into your building. We shouldn't be leaving it up to one, two, or five people. All should take some ownership and interest in people that come by to check us out.

Jesus is a great example of putting in time. That seems to be what much of his life was about. What an example! Someone we should be trying to model. Someone who showed interest in those that were interested in him. Someone who did take the time for others. Though our life may be busy, we can show people we are interested. It doesn't take much to do some of those things - phone call, send a card, e-mail, or text message. The impact can be great!

Let's not pass the buck to someone else when we have a visitor. Especially, in the cases where you know them. Knowing them and following up with them, will make an even greater impact.

Remember the time you dated your spouse (or if not married, dated someone)? The attention you put toward them? How your mind was consumed with them? How you took the time for them?

Let's put a little bit of that type of energy toward creating an atmosphere for our guests. Let's put that toward following up with them. Let's make them feel that important.

Take the time...it will make an impact!

Feeling Bored?

I don’t know how many times I said the words “I’m bored” as a youth. I can remember going to visit my relatives, where I didn’t have any cousins my age, and being very bored. I remember being at home in the summer and not having much to do, resulting in boredom. I can remember several church assemblies that I sat through with that same feeling.

For the most part, boredom is a choice. It may be as a result of a lack of things to do, but did you look around and try to take advantage of what was in your environment or expect your environment to come to you? The idea of boredom brings us to this week’s quote…

Are you bored with life? [or work, church, spouse, family, etc.] Then
throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it,
die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be
yours. ~ Dale Carnegie

I added the other words in the quote because we may not focus on them if they were not mentioned. I am going to focus on the area of church, though it could be applied to most, if not all, the rest.

I mentioned that I have sat through several church assemblies with the feeling of boredom. This continued into young adult, and even continued into my first years as a minister. I wasn’t bored with God, just with the assembly. Why? Mostly because I didn’t appreciate it like I needed to.

I started looking at it from a new perspective. I was looking for God in those times, not expecting God to come looking for me. In other words, I, now, anxiously await what God is going to do in each gathering. How are people going to change? How am I going to be affected? How is He going to surprise me?

When I threw myself into looking for the surprises in my daily walk with God, then I found the happiness that I thought could never be mine! It is an awesome concept that has changed my perspective on so many areas.

If you’re bored…dive right in to things! For example, do you think your community has nothing to offer? Look for ways you can be involved in a committee to try to change it.

I am so thrilled to get to team up with God to see how we are going to do something each day!

Enjoying being on His team!…

Monday Mentionings: In the "Ring" - Part 2 - Deuteronomy 24:5

It was a great day to be with the family, yesterday! Bible Class and the assembly was a real pick-me-up for my week! I hope that you were able to be encouraged and uplifted during the “family reunion”!

We continued with our second week of our marriage series, “In the ‘Ring’”, yesterday. This series examines how we are to be by looking at words that have the letters r-i-n-g in them. Yesterday, we looked at concepts from the following words or phrases: MinisteRING to Their Needs, CoveRING, BeaRING, & SuffeRING. As we review these from yesterday, may you find some applications to use in your week…

1. Husbands and wives are totally different. There differences do not make them wrong, just different. When we learn to understand those differences, our marriages will be much better and smoother. The needs that we looked at for the wives and husbands come out the recommended book “Love and Respect”. The wife’s needs from their husband are: Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteeming. The husband’s needs from their wife are: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality. Also, we are to serve one another in love. As you go through this week, whether it is a spouse or others, practice doing things for others with an attitude of service and love.
2. Just as it is important to have a cover over your house, called a roof, which protects all your personal belongings, it is important to have a covering over your spouse. You have lots of important, priceless things in your home; your spouse is no less important. Make sure you cover your spouse in prayer, each and every day! This will greatly enhance your marriage! As a church, we should also be covering each other in prayer to help keep us all protected from the world, Satan, etc.
3. Since we are all unique individuals it should not surprise us that we might do things that may rub others the wrong way, whether it is in a marriage, in the church, at work, etc. Christ taught us that when someone rubs us the wrong way, we are to turn the other cheek. He also taught us to be forgiving. This week, as someone rubs you the wrong way, apply those principles. But even before anything happens, pray for God’s help to recognize the situations and to be able to do the right thing when you are in that situation.
4. In marriage, we are certain to go through rough patches. The amount of suffering that accompanies these “patches” varies, depending on the couple and the situation. If you are suffering in life and/or your marriage, pray for your spouse and/or that you will come out stronger than when you first started. Also, count your blessings. Thirdly, remember that Christ suffered, but “scorned the cross for the joy that was before Him” (paraphrased Hebrews 12:2). May God bless you with victories through your sufferings!

Have a great week of sharing Jesus!

Loving my spouse ~

Monday Mentionings: In the "Ring" - Part 1 - Genesis 2:19-24

February is here, which means the Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Like most holidays, the advertising hype and the psychological hype is much greater before the event. Once the event has passed, it isn’t on your mind and doesn’t seem as important anymore. However, in the case of Valentine’s Day and marriages, the chivalry and romance should not get “passed” and left to one day a year. Valentine’s Day is set aside to be a little more romantic than normal, but it should not be the only day we are romantic and chivalrous toward our spouses. May we be inspired to do something regularly for our spouses, like pray for them, give them notes, tell them how good they look, pray with them, take time for them, take part in their hobbies, tell them how much we love/respect them, call them out of the blue, and sometimes, some spouses like it when they get some of their “own” time.

This sermon series, titled “In the ‘Ring’” is couched around the idea of marriage. We are looking at different words/phrases with the letters r-i-n-g in them and applying them to marriage to our spouse, as well as, our spiritual marriage commitment to our Lord. The words/phrase we looked at Sunday were the following: weaRING, bRING things to the marriage, shaRING, God-feaRING. Here are some applications to use this week as you serve Him…

1. Wearing your ring is important to the marriage, as it continually reminds you of the commitment you made to your spouse. Appreciate the opportunity you have to wear your ring. As Christians, we also wear Christ. When you were clothed with Christ, you made a commitment to Him. Wear Christ with pride and show off your pristine clothes to those around you this week as you demonstrate what it means to be Christlike to those in your workplace, at school, in restaurants, at the store, etc.
2. If you are married, you brought things with you, call it baggage. Anything that was in the past that has an affect on your marriage, whether your spouse knows about it or not, like people you dated/hung around with, if you’ve had other marriages and/or children, if you’ve been involved with drugs, drinking, pornography, etc., your family’s relationship, if you’ve been in jail, if you went to college, etc. would be included here. What did you bring to your marriage relationship? For all Christians, what are things which you brought to your life in Christ? Pray that you will be able to either tell your spouse of something from the past, continue to work through something you and your spouse are dealing with from things of your past, and/or work on giving things to God that are from the past which still affect you in the present and future. It is easier to go through life without baggage!
3. Sharing your life with the one you love is priceless! You have memories that are both good and bad, but through it all you become best friends. Share with your spouse how your feel about them. You may say that they already know, but these types of things never grow old – so, go ahead and tell them – again! As Christians and our “marriage” to God we get to share in memories of sharing our faith with others. Make a memory by sharing your faith this week with someone, then share that experience with me…I would like to hear how it went!
4. Being a couple which is God-fearing has many benefits toward the marriage. Your commonality allows you to do some amazing things together as the two of you team up with God to serve in the Kingdom. If one of you is not a believer, pray that your influence will be able to positively influence their heart to want to become a Christian. For all Christians, pray that you will continually be in constant reverent fear of God and may that allow you to keep Him as number one in your life!

Have a great week being “in the ‘ring’”!

Awaiting my weekly surprise ~