Be Honest...With Your Friend

One of the things I remember quite clearly when we did our marriage counseling was to be honest when a person asked a question. If you don't expect an honest answer you should ask the question was the message given to the "question asker."

Too often when we are in a situation of advice, we often tend to sugar coat the answer. I see this frequently when a person confides in a cohort about personal problems that involve another party. For example, when someone is the victim of a relationship issue (be it friends, occupational, or marriage/dating, the person who is hearing the information generally takes the side of their friend. In return, they are not only hearing the negative of the other person/party, but they will likely defend their friend.

Keeping these concepts in mind, here is this week's quote...

In giving advice, seek to help, not to please, your friend. ~ Solon

Keep in mind that not every situation is the same. Sometimes a person needs the shoulder to cry on, but there are still other times when the person needs to hear the truth. They need to know that though they were wronged, the other party may have been wronged as well. Whether it was today, yesterday, or sometime in the recent past.

When we are trying to listen to a friend, make sure you are able to see both sides of a situation. Telling your friend they were completely right is not going to help them out in the end. They are going to feel more "right" and fight for that right to be right.

This may also span into communicating to your children. They are not likely the best singers, dancers, artists, or athletes. There are ways to communicate and applaud their efforts without going overboard and making them feel like they should be the next "star" in the field they are aspiring to be involved in. I have found ways to practice this with my kids. This way they do not have a false hope when it comes to their aspirations.

Now it's your turn...how have you handled the idea of honesty when it came to giving advice to a friend/spouse/child, etc.?

Under the Yoke of the Unlawful - a message about being put in a "box"

Twenty-five years ago my first sibling, my sister, had her wedding. I remember the day as being very hot and for a youth not used to wearing a dress coat on a hot day, it was miserable! The wedding was not held in our church...why? because they couldn't play instrumental music in our church building.

For some of you reading this, that reason may not be understandable. However, our family attended a Church of Christ, which is traditionally acappella (no instrumental accompaniment). Of course, this tradition is during our worship service, but some felt it carried over to practically any day of the week, including a wedding. So, my sister had to find another place to hold their wedding.

This tradition was held so tightly that it put our family in a box, for the sake of the wedding. We did, at a Baptist church in town. Have I mentioned it was hot that day?

As Jesus mentioned about the yoke of man's rules and traditions being heavy and His being light, in Matthew 12:1-8 we see one of the places Jesus uses an example to defend the heavy versus light yoke. As the Pharisees are pointing fingers at the disciples of Jesus, they expand the thought of being put in a box regarding the Sabbath. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

• Pointing Fingers ~ It is easy, whether it is in society or the religious world, to look at someone and define them based on yourself. Bullying, as defined today, begins this way. Whether it is about a person's clothing or sexuality, people will treat them a certain way based on where they stand on something. The old adage says that when we point a finger, we have three pointing back to us. As we point, we forget about our faults. May we be thankful for grace that has the potential to excuse our faults as well as others!
• Keep it Simple ~ When the disciples, in the text, were rubbing their hands together, some called it harvesting. For our modern "combine harvesting" days, that would especially seem ludicrous. However, what if the scene was a combine was cutting to take a row (or less) to give the family some food. Would we then see it as work? Maybe keeping our definitions simple would help. Let's not stretch them out to make them something just to point a finger or place judgments. Compare apples to apples...not Johnny apples to Granny Smith apples!
• Become Familiar ~ One way to have a more accurate definition of saying if someone is wrong in a matter is to be very familiar with the subject. Too often people who judge Christians are not familiar enough with the Bible. They may think they are, but have chosen to "pick and choose" to defend themselves. "Proof texts" rarely provide the necessary proof, so we need to be aware of using them in our defenses.

Life can be challenging when we are not able to use our talents in accomplishing tasks. That may be in the workplace or in our religious beliefs. There are areas which we have freedoms but are put in a box. Becoming freed from that "box" will allow us to better serve our God through our passions and talents. Plus, we will be excited to serve! Know your parameters, but serve Him with vitality!

Now it's your turn...when have you been placed in a "box?" Also, what was the source for which you were involved?

In the Ring: HonoRING, CheeRING, PerseveRING, & ReveRING

Marriage. It is a union in which I honestly thought I would be a older-than-average guy before I found "the one." However, I truly believe that it was God's timing for me to find my mate. We met in an unlikely time. We had known of each other for a few years prior but now lived over 600 miles apart when we started dating. We both were not in a relationship. We didn't expect anything like this to happen, at this time and with each other but it did. It makes me happy each time I relive it.

Every couple has their story. I find it fascinating to think of the variations that come in bringing people together into marriage. A few variations:

1. The "high school sweethearts"
2. One spouse more than 5 years older than other spouse
3. Unplanned pregnancy
4. Long-distance relationship
5. One or both been married before
6. One or both have children already
7. Blind date
8. One couple each brings a sidekick friend - and two friends marry
9. Late-in-life widow and widower find companionship

You can see there are different variations and these are still filled with variations within variations.

Sunday we concluded our "In the 'Ring'" sermon series on marriage. We looked at four more words to put into practice in the realm of marriage. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

• HonoRING ~ Live up to the vows that you took. Marriage is not easy and it will take effort. Put in the effort, and then some to make your marriage rewarding.
• CheeRING ~ Give your spouse at least one compliment a week. That may sound like a long time span in between, but I am not referring to telling the spouse things you may tell them already. These are something more "out of the blue" and unexpected. Find a way to cheer them on if they are pursuing a life goal.
• PerseveRING ~ Has your marriage lost it's luster? Try getting some wax out to polish it up and make it shine again. That may mean thinking back to why you fell in love with them, what made them so great. That may mean going to see a counselor or some other professional to talk. That may mean a host of things to give your marriage a much needed buffing.
• ReveRING ~ Lift up your spouse in any way you can, specifically publicly. It could be in front of their spouse, co-workers, children, or any other friends and family. Let others know you think they are number one in your eyes!

It is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of life and letting your marriage get lost in the shuffle. I am not absent of such a habit, unfortunately. Take time to strengthen it with actions from the words we've discussed over the past four weeks.

Now it's your turn...What would you provide for additional applications with any of the above words?

In the Ring: HeaRING, OffeRING,RemembeRING and AppeaRING

Marriage has a lot of perks to it. If you are getting ready to enter into marriage, look forward to it! If you have been married for any length of time over a month, you know there are some parts of it that you didn't realize were going to be there. There are several areas in a marriage that takes effort. Sometimes we do not realize the effort it will take until it is too late.

If you have been married and are no longer married, you may look back and realize there were things you should have and could have done differently. You may have enjoyed a few areas, but not the entire portion. Maybe there were some areas on the side of the other spouse in which contributed to the separation. As all marriages are different, everyone's story for separation has differences.

Sunday, we looked at some instructional words regarding being "in the 'ring'" and how we can apply them in our relationships. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

• HeaRING ~ How well are you hearing your spouse/significant other? Have you had those times when they went silent or walked out of the room? What happened prior to that to cause them to do such a thing? Pick up on these things, not all of them will be verbal for you to audibly hear! Hear what your spouse/significant other is trying to tell you...it may be in the silence that they are speaking the loudest
• OffeRING ~ Each person brings a certain flair to the relationship. Something within you is so attractive to the other person that they couldn't help but to fall in love with you! Also, you see it in your spouse/significant other about them that you fell in love with them. Be sacrificial in your love/respect to the other person; offer up yourself to be there for the other person.
• RemembeRING ~ Don't forget! Appointments, special days, "favorites," etc. are all important. Though some of the things may not be as important to you as other things, they are important to your spouse. Keep that in mind!
• AppeaRING ~ Be around for your family. The family is healthiest when spouses are involved. Be there for your spouse/significant other and for your kids. Do not become too busy that your private life becomes a source of contention.

When you say "I do" and are now "in the 'ring'" it is very important that you stay in there till the end. Fighting may occur but that is not a reason to stop your marriage. If it occurs quite frequently, then it is time to examine and maybe look for outside professional assistance. Keep on fighting!

Now it's your turn...How's your week been "in the ring"?

Maturity: How Does One Measure It?

In my lifetime I have been around a lot of people, as I have moved around quite a bit. I have seen lots of different personalities both young and old. They all have their own level of maturity. Some that are old have their times of acting like a teenager and those that are young act like an older person. Depending on the context this can be good or bad. For the older person to have the vitality of a younger person is good; the younger person to have the rigidness of an older person is bad. However, there is the other side of the coin, in that an older person to throw a fit like a teen would do, is bad. For a younger person to have patience and a level-headed demeanor is good.

What is the most scary is when you have an older person that believes they are mature just because they are older. When they expect, or should I say, demand to be respected because of their age, but their demeanor is very immature.

I have seen this in a couple of areas. One is in the church. The other is in sports. I will comment after you read this week's quote...

Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. ~ Unknown

The church has become, in many respects, a "me church" attitude. Whatever the individual wants or deems pertinent should be done. Sometimes when something is done that is not what the person deems important, they start to complain, gossip, or just leave. Much like a child on a playground who didn't get their way with the game that was being played. Examples of this could be the direction a church is taking, leadership, worship issues, teaching styles, or decor issues.

In sports, I've had experiences as a fan, player and as an official. I have seen people who can coach and officiate so much better than the coach or official, or so they think. One of the main issues is with people who have "played" the game so long that they "must" know all the rules. But they have never really opened a rule book and read it front to back. Did you know there is not a rule in baseball/softball that "tie goes to the runner?" However, everyone likes to throw that out there - I still don't know where that came from - maybe the playground?

I remember having to stop a little league baseball game, in a rural town, just to go to my car and retrieve the rule book to show a coach he was in error. It wasn't my choice, I asked him because he didn't believe me on the field. Of course, he was probably twice as old as I was, at that time, as I had just graduated from high school the previous May. Though he was older, he didn't show the patience and maturity to let the game go, instead he wanted to try to prove he was correct. Whether I am a fan, player or official, I have seen people get upset over coach's decisions, player's inability to perform, and an official's "blown" call.

Within the quote are two important phrases to keep in mind. One, experiences will help people mature. Two, learning from those experiences is key. You take the learning out and the experience means nothing. You learn little from the experience. The gain is little. Learn much - the gain is much.

I am challenged in many areas with this quote. Probably one of the greatest challenges for me is handling conflict with my wife. I know a lot, but if I don't apply the things I know, I haven't learned much. So, as I become grayer through the years, if I lack learning, my maturity will just be skin deep.

Now it's your turn. How have you seen this quote played out in yourself? Others?

Super Funny Clip from "The Break Up"

Blue vs. Pink

Practically all of us grew up with the concept of having boys and girls being differentiated by blue and pink. Blue is manly and pink is girly. We even judge on those differentiations, especially for the guy because if he is wearing much pink then there is a stigma attached. However, the same goes, especially for a baby girl, if she is wearing too much blue.

Is it wrong to wear pink for a guy or blue for a girl or is it just different?  With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I thought this may be a good quote to put out there…

Blue and pink, not wrong, just different.  ~ Emerson Eggerichs, author of “Love and Respect”

To give a brief background on this quote, man and woman are indicated by these two colors. Think that the man hears, sees, and speaks “blue.”  Whereas the woman hears, sees, and speaks “pink.”  This author lists a few examples of phrases we may say that are heard differently.

One example is “I don’t have any clothes to wear.”  If you say that to the blue group, you will get one response (typically – no clothes clean). You say that to the pink group and you will probably get a totally different response (typically – my clothes are outdated, I need new ones).  (If you’ve never heard this concept, ask your significant other and see if their response is anywhere close to the "typical”).

Enjoy your relationship and though we may think differently and react differently, that is what we are…blue and pink, not wrong, just different!

My Valentine’s Day Recommendation for Books for Couples:

Love and Respect – by Emerson Eggerichs

For Women Only & For Men Only – Each by Shaunti Feldhahn

Power of a Praying Wife & Power of a Praying Husband – Each by Stormie Omartian

Divorce: Not Just Because

The other night I was visiting with friend and it came up what I was preaching on the next day.  I said, “I’m preaching on divorce tomorrow”.  My whole intent was to see the reaction, which I received one!  “Zoinks” was the response.  I just laughed and responded that I was preaching through Matthew and this was just part of the journey.

It seems that oftentimes the subject of divorce comes with so much stigma.  Whether it is in the religious circle or society itself.  Granted, it isn’t something that people should be bragging about.  But it has such a bad stigma that judgment usually follows the news of someone who did get or is getting a divorce.

Sunday, we looked at Matthew 5:31-32 as Jesus was addressing the disciples on the subject of divorce.  Jesus builds his argument by referring to a black and white thought which had come from Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (click to read).  In this text Moses visits the topic of writing a certificate of divorce and the woman who is impacted. Jesus then turns to a thought without the smooth edges to talk about how the Jewish mindset had abused Deuteronomy 24.

The Jews (who had two main schools of thought on this – Shammai, Hillel) had given just about any reason as an OK reason to write a certificate of divorce. Partly because of the hard hearts of the people at that time. Now, in Jesus’ day, they were still used to that way of thinking. Jesus was wanting them to understand that “any reason” was not a good reason.  The “good” reason for getting a divorce was “unfaithfulness”.  This didn’t address “unfaithfulness” as the only reason that was accepted, but Jesus wanted them to stop abusing women/wives by abusing the option of divorce. Here are some applications to choose from to use this week…

1. Permanency of Marriage ~ Marriage is a unique relationship. It starts out by an incredible, heightened interest that is predominantly about attraction. Marriage is about openness, honesty, and trust. Once that relationship matures to the point of sharing your lives, then the test comes. It would be wrong to say that the “attraction” wears off or the smoke clears, but something happens to cause us to finally see the person for who they are.  Sometimes we may not like that person very much.  That is partly what makes marriage unique.  If you are viewing your marriage as “not permanent”, refocus that line of thought to consider how you can return back to the way of thinking you used to have when you did view it as permanent.
2. Who Did You Marry? ~ The person you married is going to be named various names, but that isn’t what the question is about. I am addressing that those who are Christians have a marriage-type relationship with Him.  In Ephesians 5, Paul addresses how Jesus is “married” to His church (the bride).  Jesus has done a lot for us, as a “husband”.  He is not going to divorce us and we should not divorce Him!
3. Stay Married ~ During marriage we go through our fair share of ups and downs.  The downs may seem like it is impossible to keep going.  However, I encourage you to do just that.  KEEP GOING!!!
***A super, awesome, amazing marriage book is called Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs

Marriage should never be broken up “just because”.  It is a relationship that is expected to keep going and going and going, until “death do you part”.  Jesus is trying to get them/us to understand that marriage should not be broken up “just because”.

Whether you are “married” in your relationship with Him and/or you are married to a spouse…stay that way!

As this is a “hot” topic, feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me at ichthus_man (at) hotmail.com

Henry’s Mural

A few years ago a close friend of ours was getting ready to have a baby.  I had said I could paint a mural in their nursery if they wanted. They took me up on it.  The mural space was 5 1/2 feet by 11 feet.  The first night I went to work on it, by the time I was done for that night I had lines on the wall.  LINES…that’s all.  No color, gradient shading, etc.  Just lines.  I believe my friend was a bit disappointed.  However, the end result was what I was hoping it would be, but it took a vision to get to the point at the end of the project.

That brings us to this week’s quote

Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming. ~ Alice Walker

What we are doing today greatly affect what tomorrow looks like.  I think this is something that parents need to realize.  How they deal with today affects what their children grow up to be.  Whether it is how they manage conflict, marriage, money, religion, friends, etc.  Everything done today paves the street of tomorrow.

When I was drawing that mural, I knew what the end result was hoping to be even if the owner didn’t know where I was heading (except they could go by the picture I was using as a guide). If I hadn’t known where I was going I would have simply been fitting parts of a puzzle together any which way.  It is vital to see the present and have the future in mind as you are constructing it daily!

Challenge is Set

There was a game that was played when I was a youth.  The game was quick.  The game involved a group of people with a task presented before them and they would all say "not it".  The last one to say the phrase was THE one to be assigned to do the task.  Obviously it was a task that was not desired, otherwise people wouldn't have been saying "not it". 

Throughout the month of February, there have been a series of sermons couched around the phrase "I Don't".  We looked at "I Don't Want Anyone Else", "I Don't Want to Leave You Unprotected", & "I Don't Want to Take You For Granted."  Today, we're looking at "I Don't Hear You".  Within all of these is a challenge to try to constantly live up to.  They are not "over-the-top" concepts.  They are simple and possibly, eye-opening.  Though geared toward married couples, the messages also reach out to everyone else. 

Now that you have been presented with this material, you can decide whether you are going to follow it up with "not it" or "I will".  You can hear and/or grasp these messages and see what things you can get out of them that you can use to better your relationships or you can just ignore them and bow out of any type of challenge that has been presented.

Choosing to "bow out" will be a detriment to you and those you have a relationship with.  Your spouse and you will not be as close.  Your biological family, the same; likewise, your spiritual family. 

I hope you will take time to internalize these for the betterment of your relationships and to say "I will" and strive to do what you can to live up to these challenges.  If you do stumble, don't quit, and keep working toward the goal.

Look forward to what happens when you choose to take part rather than bowing out!





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"I Don't...Hear You" - Proverbs 12:18

She says, "How do I look?"

He says, "Fine!"

How did that conversation go after that point?  It depends on how you read it and most of it has to do with the way you read the man's answer.  Did you read it envisioning him saying it through a newspaper, not even giving much more than a glance?  Did you read it envisioning him saying it in the middle of a TV show/sports game and wanting her to move out of the way so he can see the next play?  Did you read it envisioning him looking her up and down and giving her the "J.J.", from "Good Times, type of emphasis that may be stretched out a bit like "FINNNE"?

What was it she was wanting to know?  Was she wanting to know if her tags were tucked in or if her clothes matched?  No, she wanted to know if the guy that had her heart thought she was "rockin' his world" by what she looked like, no matter how simple or complex the outfit may have been. 

He says about a recently completed project, "What do you think?"

She says, "It's fine!"

I didn't want to use too generalized of a scenario like mowing the lawn because not every guy mows his own lawn.  However, most all guys will complete some type of project, either around the house or at work, that he is proud of and will want to show it to his girl.

So, how did you read it?  Was he showing her the project in the middle of her trying to complete other tasks and she didn't take the time to really look at it, so she was just wanting him to quit showing it to her?  Or was she really interested in something her guy had done and thought it looked really good?

How things are said, both tone and body language, determines to a great degree how they are received.  Yesterday, we concluded our "I Don't" Series by looking at how people can say something and the receiver may interpret it different than intended.  Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

1. Realize Your Partner Desires Your Attention ~ During the dating time we show a lot of attention to the other person, even in areas we are not interested in.  This just confuses, and possibly deceives, the other person if, after the marriage ceremony, we no longer have that interest.  Let your communication be consistent.  If you've lost that connection, realize you would do well to get it back by showing interest in the areas you used to share in.
2. Realize Opposite Genders Hear Differently ~ Something exactly the same may be said to two people of the opposite gender and it will mean a world of something different.  A guy may come out to show how he looks in an outfit and the wife may get away with saying a simple "Fine" response.  However, said the same way to her and it may not be received well. 
3. Realize Words Can Be Like Daggers ~ This doesn't even have to include "put downs" nor does it have to just include disagreements.  If you say, "That's the worst ___ ever!" and the response is "No, it isn't", you will either be comforted or left fuming.  It all depends on the response.  Reading it, it is just words, saying it is different.  But words can be daggers that don't have to be a "response", just what we say determines how someone feels after our sentence is completed.  Be conscious of how you come across.  A man's voice to a female can be comforting or "barking".  A woman's voice to a man can be sweet or annoying.

What we hear may not be our fault, as we're made differently.  Learning to hear differently for the sake of understanding someone is a pursuit worth taking.  Possibly half of misunderstandings, specifically, between opposite genders will be a result of the fact that we speak, hear, and see differently.  "Not wrong, just different" (Emerson Eggerichs). 

Think about some of these things as you have your future conversations with people.

  

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"I Don't"...Want Anyone Else - Ecclesiastes 9:9

Are you one who sees greener grass in other areas?  Do you look at your own circumstances, then compare your life to someone else's and think something like "They have it better?"  It could be about a job, a car they drive, their income, their life (in general), or even their love life (whether married or single)?  Specifically talking about the last option, do you ever think what it would be like to be married or in a relationship with someone else? Do you ever long to have your life be something it is not probably ever going to be? 

As we started a new relationship series yesterday called "I Don't" we are looking at different phrases to add to that which will help us to enhance the relationship we are in.  Specifically, we talked about the phrase "I Don't Want Anyone Else".  This is a renewal and a refocus type of series, attempting to get our minds back on the right track concerning relationships (both personal and spiritual).

Why is it that "green grass" is attractive?  It often is just a mirage to our senses because the "grass" we are able to be around at the moment is just what we need.  Here are some applications to choose from to use this week...

1. Make a list of ten things/areas that you like about your spouse/significant other (if you are not in a relationship, make a list of someone in the church you don't know so well).  What talents they have, why you like them, etc.
2. Re-read your vows that you said to each other, in which you probably responded "I do"
3. Read some of the "one another" passages to refresh yourself as to how you should look at those of which you share your faith.  Here are some examples: John 13:34-35, Romans 12:10, Romans 15:7, Galatians 5:13, Ephesians 4:2, Ephesians 4:32, Hebrews 3:13, 1 Peter 5:5
4. Pray - If you're having a difficult time not seeing your pasture as "green" then you should be taking it to Him in prayer and asking Him to keep your thoughts and/or eyes on the pasture your in.  It doesn't matter if you are just looking for another job or another partner, or anywhere in between.  Appreciate what you have!
5. Accountability - Similar to the above, you need to find someone who will encourage you to keep your thoughts/emotions/eyes on the pasture your at right now.  Not being transparent when you are dealing with difficulties just makes it that much more difficult to overcome.
6. Stay Away From the Fence - If you are having difficulties looking at something to think it is "better", then maybe you need to stay away from the fence that marks off the "greener pasture" and turn around to look at yours.  Leaning on the fencepost and looking out at the "pasture" may cause you to do something you regret - jumping over the fence.

It is frightening how many people "jump over the fence" to dabble in that which is on the other side, literally or figuratively.  It seems that once-a-month I hear of something that has happened in a marriage in the town I live in.  People have forgotten that they would be loyal to their partner.  However, the same kind of thing can happen among church brethren that involves unhappiness with your fellow church members so you look for somewhere else to "go".  These situations all boil down to the "ME" syndrome.  You aren't getting what you want so you start looking somewhere else.  Instead of the "we" approach where you look out for what is best for the both or all of you and how things can be improved.

May we make commitments and stick to them and to remind ourselves that "I Don't Want Anyone Else!"




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Getting Past the Stopping Point

When I was in high school art I was given an assignment to do a pointillistic picture in black and white, using ink. Pointillism is a practice of using dot after dot after dot to create a picture. Any value of shading is all done with dots. The pen we used had a very small point, which would mean that my picture literally had at least 20,000 dots on it, as much of it is solid black.

I was working, working, working on it, and it seemed to take forever. I needed to get it done, so I took it with me on my Thanksgiving trip to see my relatives. At this point, I was probably 65% finished with the project, and it had taken me a couple of weeks to get to that point. With the pen that is used, you have to shake it to get the ink flowing, kind of like you do with a can of spray paint. I was shaking my pen, getting ready to do the next set of dots, when my pen leaked, causing solid black ink to splatter on my picture! I was mortified!!!

My teacher said we couldn't use white out to cover any mistakes. "At this point," I told myself, "I don't care." I wasn't going back, I went against the cardinal rule and used white out. I moved past that area where I thought was going to be a stopping point. Actually, many times I thought I was going to stop, as it became very frustrating to just keep dot, dot, dotting.

Despite the frustration, I kept going...that brings us to this week's quote...

Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged. ~Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931, American Inventor, Entrepreneur, & Founder of GE)

Keeping on going, working past my frustration paid off. My teacher didn't fail me. He understood and I believe I received an "A" on the project. I also received an award at an area art show, despite the noticeable white out spots! It was one of the pictures that I have kept over the years.

Whether it is a project or life, sometimes we encounter the impossible or the seemingly impossible, and want to stop. If we can get past that point of stopping and work through the frustrations and discouragement, we might be amazed at what can happen as a result.

Keep going...work through...don't give up!

Never Leaving Your Partner Behind…by Being Attentive

With the fast-paced society that we all currently live in, it is easy to get caught up in ones daily life. I know that I am as guilty as the next person. I have certain things that are on my plate that I am trying to get done each week. I tend to think about them too much. That is typical with those who can’t leave work at quitting time, but tend to think about things before and after. Plus, the more we’re connected through cell phones (worse yet, smartphones), the more people are able to contact us and the more portable our work/lifestyle becomes. This isn’t going to be something that I foresee will slow down. We are going to constantly be speeding up with connecting to each other.

How does all this relate? Well, when you’re married we need to take some time for our spouses, being attentive to them and their needs. If taking work with you works for your marriage, so be it. Regardless, maybe taking time to be with each other is something you could “find time” for. I’ve discussed talking and the closeness it brings to each other. Your spouse may want to go somewhere that doesn’t include much talking, but just enjoying the company between each other. Sometimes, it is all about doing something with them. If money is an issue, then find a way to do something that is cheaper than “dinner and a movie” but still allows both parties to benefit.

Sometimes, the idea of being attentive means that you can see when your partner has “had enough” of whatever you’re doing and may need to be by themselves. Another way to give attention is to leave notes – in their purse, wallet, cell phone, under pillow, on mirror, in medicine cabinet, in kitchen drawers, in clothes drawer, in lunch box, in brief case, etc.

Being attentive is easy when you are dating but becomes more difficult once you’re busy with life. Take time to be attentive to each other to help keep your partner from never being left behind.

Enduring Enterprise - Isaiah 54:10

I wish I had an answer as to why more marriages tend to fail each year. I know there are lots of speculations that have been formed as to answer that pondering. One, Hollywood doesn't model lifelong commitments. Two, previous parents may have been divorced (if married at all). Three, we make it easy to get out. Four, we are a "serve me" society. You may have your own to add, please do, as when you add your comment. However, aside from a few exceptions, relationships are to be permanent.

That permanency is modeled by God, Himself. He shows us that we will give up on Him before He gives up on us. He is not out for Himself, but looking out for our best interest. Even when we have been the one who messed up (again and again).

As we concluded our month talking about relationships, we finished up by looking at the enduring side of a marriage. Whether that marriage is to another human being or to God, He shows us that we are to not be giving up on that "marriage". Here are some applications to choose from to use from this week's lesson...

1. When wanting to "give up" on your partner, think about the "why" factor. Why are you wanting to give up? What have they done that enables you a way out that you have not done to God, sometime?
2. Self-reflect on the idea of you being OK with God giving up on your for the same thing - no forgiveness or grace given.
3. Make a list of all the good things that you see/saw in that person (or the things that attract you to them).
4. Pray for your heart to be softened toward them.
5. "Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything." I Peter 4:8 (The Message)
6. Don't give up on your brethren, either. If you have a problem, go and "carefront" them to get things straightened out. Remember the "marriage" you're apart of with them, too.
   

Relationships are to be long-term. Both the ones that are joined together by a ring or a Cross. We are to endure the tough times so as to remain partners. Nothing with relationships are totally easy...but it is totally worth it!

Enjoying my Enterprise!...

Never Leaving Your Partner Behind...by Listening

Listening is a skill that we all possess, though men and women approach it differently. Basically, we could probably listen to anyone talk about things we’re interested in, for “hours”. However, when it comes to play in relationships, we tend to have a “limited supply” of listening. This tends to be unfortunate when it comes to deepening your relationship with your spouse.

Webster defines it this way: 1: to pay attention to sound 2: to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration 3: to be alert to catch an expected sound

Men will usually get the bad rap for not being able to listen. Whether they are accused of not remembering a detail after being told a few moments before or they are caught tuning out their spouse after a certain length of time. However, in different ways, women can be not as good of listeners, too.

Women enjoy talking to get to know the other person better. They love to share ideas and hear that the receiver is sharing in that idea with them, even if they have a difference of opinion. They like to connect and grow closer to that person by sharing a bit of themselves. Hence, why they like to talk about their day, her family, her house, or what “Susie” is doing in her life. They enjoy talking about their struggles with decorating, their job, or their wardrobe.

Men enjoy talking about what they’ve done, too. They enjoy talking about their tools, trucks, sports, accomplishments, etc. They like to tell their spouse about their day, not to “express feelings”, but to simply inform (and usually in much shorter paragraphs).

Husbands can listen to their wife the way she needs it, but it requires effort. Especially, in areas that are not of the husband’s interest (don’t forget to steer away from the “solving” approach, sometimes she just needs you to listen). Wives like to connect through conversing with their husbands. However, when it comes to areas that the wife is not interested in, it may take as much effort as it does for the husband. To be the most effective, you may have to turn off the TV, go to Starbucks, take a drive, wait till the kids are in bed, or anything else that may distract you from each other.

Listening is a way to grow closer to your partner. Depending on the subject area, one side of the conversation may be shorter than the other. The length of time is not what is important, but that you take time to listen to each other to help make your marriage “fireproof”.

Learning to listen…

Fireproof: Relationship of Rescue

We've all heard stories of parents going to great lengths to find their lost and/or abducted children. Maybe you've been one of those parents (even if it was simply lost in a public place). Once you realize that the child is missing you start looking, everywhere, very quickly. Hollering out their name. Heart beating quicker. Panic sets in. All this goes on because of the close relationship you have with that child. You would do anything for them. You have that "I'll always love you, no matter what you do" feeling.

That is a similar feeling to how God cares for His children. When we wander off, He's wanting to find us. When we do the unthinkable, He still loves us. He loves us because that is His nature. (I don't disregard the just-ness of God when referring to Him loving us). The relationship between God and us is a relationship of rescue. The relationship of us to a loved one should be the same.

As we looked at the movie Fireproof yesterday, we saw the scene where the husband realizes that he is not loving his wife the way he needs to be doing. She's "treating" him with a lack of care and consideration (much due to his previous actions), and he's trying to reconcile the situation. She doesn't seem to care. It is pointed out that that is much the same way we treat God. He does and does for us, but we still spit in His face; He still loves us.

Here are some applications to use from this week's message...

1. Pray for your partner everyday (Buy The Power of a Praying Wife/Husband to help you with some specific prayers).
2. Pray for your best friend - for the unmarrieds
3. Look for signs that your partner is in need of rescuing; ask God to help you see.
4. Work on strengthening your relationship with someone in your congregation that you don't normally talk to regularly - so as to understand them and know when to rescue them.

Being in a battle is not what we were at all created to be. We're too fragile as humans. When it comes to doing battle with the Evil One, we are also fragile. However, we can easily win when we have God with us. With God you're a majority in any battle!

Spiritually, we have a relationship that He will be there to rescue us. Earthly, you need to have a relationship that will rescue in times of need. If you're married, tell your partner how much you need/appreciate that. If you're unmarried, find someone that can be there for you when you need to be rescued. Rescuing could be a phone number to call in the middle of the night, a listening ear, or a place to come that is safe.

Appreciating my partner...

Love the One You Love

I've been overflowingly blessed to be married to my Valentine for eleven years. We knew each other before we started dating, but had been separated by my family moving away. Even when we were friends, neither had any thought that we would one day be married. It took one of my friends moving to where she lived to get us together. I wasn't looking for my "true love" but God had other plans. It has been twelve and a half years since that glorious day.

I am thankful that we get to go to bed and wake up next to each other. Though that is common in marriages, I want to extend it to the fact that, regularly, I am thankful to God that that is our norm. There may be times I take it for granted, but that is a rarity. I love my wife and she is the most gorgeous and breathtaking woman in the world!

With a salute to Valentine's Day, this weekend, here is a poem that describes some attributes of marriage.

One look
One smile
One touch
One embrace
One kiss
One love
Two people
Two minds
Two souls
Two destinies
One road
One journey
One ending
Together.

~ Melissa Higgins

May this weekend be a time you can tell your husband how much you respect him or your wife how much you love her! Words, when said with sincerity, speak volumes to your spouse!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Never Leaving Your Partner Behind...by Being Active

In marriages, we are coming together from two different places. The obvious place is just the fact that we are male and female. However, with that brings the way we view things. Other differences are incorporated in how we were molded – family traditions, family values, etc.

My parent’s had their first date at a high school baseball game. My dad played while my mom watched. I don’t know if she sat with any friends, but she was basically by herself. Some date, right? The other part is that there was hardly a word spoken to her after the game. My dad picked her up, went to the game, played the game, and took her home. To him, it was great, not to her; but their relationship has still lasted almost forty-six years.

There are lots of ways one can be active in your partners life. However, I want you to think about things which your specific partner likes and take an active role in being interested in them (even if it is on occasion).

A few years ago, I was introduced to the Xbox game system. I enjoy the sports games, specifically NCAA Football. There are times when I make a good play or win the “National Championship” that I like to show my wife my accomplishments. She graciously gives me her attention to “congratulate” me on my accomplishment. She’s the best!

Does your spouse like to play sports? Watch sports? Go to craft shows? Watch TV/movies? Take walks? Go to plays? Go to concerts? Work in the yard? Plant a garden? Play video games? Go to hotels? Go shopping? The list could go on and on. Participating in these activities are easy if you like them too, but are more difficult when you are not interested. That is where you realize that it is good for your relationship to keep learning about your spouse and to take an interest in something they enjoy. It will help bring you closer together and help keep your marriage out of the “fire”.

A student of being active…

Never Leaving Your Partner Behind…by Praying

This will be a small series of posts...one today, one tomorrow, then the other two will be the next two weeks, on a Tuesday. They are bulletin articles, but thought others might benefit
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In the movie, Fireproof, there is a scene in the beginning where the Fire Captain Caleb Holt is reprimanding one of his younger firefighters for leaving his partner at their last fire to go and help someone else. The firefighter may have had good intentions, but it left his partner in the lurch. He could have been killed. Caleb tells him, “Never leave your partner behind”. When I saw this movie, I knew exactly where this was going in respect to the plot of the film.

As we look at the movie as inspiration to our series, I want to look at a few ways we can apply the idea of “never leaving our partner behind”.

Never leave your partner behind by praying for them. There are so many fires that we all can find ourselves in throughout the day that we need protection from the inconsumable God.

One of the passions of mine and Aubrey’s is marriage combined with prayer. During the next month or two, look for advertising of Aubrey starting a “Power of a Praying Wife” study. I know that wives are busy with work and/or family, however, this once-a-week study will definitely be worth the time that you take out of your busy schedule! Words cannot describe the reward that you will receive by going through this study!

Then, in September, in correlation with Monday Night Football, I will be having the “Power of a Praying Husband” study. I thoroughly enjoy going through this study, as it teaches me how to specifically pray for what my wife needs. Each chapter has a separate need to be praying for her on. Plus, once we’re done with our study, then we get to watch football.

These studies do not only help your own prayer life, but they help your partner feel protected!

You don’t have to wait until these studies are here to be praying for your partner. Start now! Prayer draws you closer, which has many benefits! Also, pray together, this is a great activity to becoming closer and more connected to your partner.

Remember, you may have good intentions when you are doing activities throughout the day, but when we get wrapped up in those activities, we can have a tendency to leave our partner in the middle of a “fire”. So, one way to never leave your partner behind…is by praying for them!